Marriage

A Depressed and Traumatized Lady in a Foreign Land

Dear scholars, Assalam Allaikumi am a 29y old girl, Alhamdulilah i have a good job and i am successful on a professional level. i have been through lots of hardship in my life but i always kept the positive attitude and always had faith in the future. However lately, i have been through a major trauma that breaks me down completely. i admit that i did a mistake and that i played a role in what happened to me. But i regret all what i did and i repent my deeds and asked forgiveness from God. i promised myself that i will never do again what i did and that i will keep myself close to the right path. i still have feelings that i cannot get rid off and i feel very guilty. I will not talk about what i did exactly and what happened but i need your advice on how to strengthen my faith. My problem is that I lost sense of life and it no longer means anything to me. I even sometimes wish for death which I am fully aware that I should not do. I was always strong but now I reached a point where I cannot take anything any longer. I am fighting very hard with myself, I read Quran, I pray (I always do my prayers), I do Du?aa, but unfortunately, I feel  very miserable and that God is not happy with me at all. I feel lost and very desperate?I do not know what to do especially that I am alone far from my family. I live abroad and I cannot go back as I am the one to help the family financially?.i am not sure if what I am going through is the start of a psychological depression which needs to be assisted but a professional doctor or if it is just the spiritual void. I have been looking for books, checking on the net on anything to help me out but I am the same since now 4 months or so. I feel very lonely especially that all my friends got married and no w have different lives?sometimes I feel that if I also have a family around, I may feel better but this is something which is not in my hand. I want to get closer to God and to Religion but when I have my traumatic moments I cannot keep good faith?I don?t stop crying & I feel very very bad inside? I want to have a peaceful life like I used to have and I want like any other girl to have a home for her own (but I believe that marriage is but a Destiny)?please advise me what I should do? And if Ru?qia can be an option to release the inner tension and pressure I currently have? Sorry for being so long?wa assalam alaykum