Disobedient Wife, How to Deal with Her?
Happy homes are those which are built on mutual understanding and love and consolidated with affection and compassion between spouses. None of this can be achieved without the spouses doing the duties that are specific to them. For example, the husband is obliged to spend on his wife and children, and the wife is obliged to obey her husband. If the wife wants to deny her husband the right of qawamah (being in charge of the household) or to be willfully defiant and refuse to obey him, then she is destroying her home by her own hand, and she will be the cause of her children being lost and neglected because of her bad actions.
Wives in general have to understand that obedience to their husbands is an Islamic duty that is required of them. The husband should do a good job of being in charge of his wife and family, by guiding them to that which is in their best interests and will bring them happiness. Allah says:
(Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.)(An-Nisa’ 4:34)
It was narrated that Abu Umamah said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “There are three whose prayer goes no further than their ears: the runaway slave until he returns, a wife whose husband remains angry with her overnight, and a imam who leads the people in prayer when they object to him doing so.” (At-Tirmidhi)
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman to fast when her husband is present except with his permission, or to allow anyone to enter his house without his permission.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
Then it should be noted that the husband has to look for the causes of his wife’s willful defiance and find out the ways in which he can treat her sickness and lead her to the way of guidance and salvation, so that she will be protected from the wrath and punishment of Allah. These causes may include the husband! Yes, you may be one of the causes of that. Some of the salaf said: “I see the effect of my sins in my mount and my wife”, in her bad attitude or refusal to obey him – or the husband may have a bad attitude towards his wife so her behavior is a reaction against the way he deals with her.
Other causes may include her family, relatives, neighbors or friends who share a role with the shaytan in causing separation between man and wife.
If the cause has to do with her – due to the weakness of her faith and her ignorance of the rulings of shari`ah– then he should remind her of Allah and play a role in strengthening her faith and teaching her what she does not know about the rights that her husband has over her.
Whatever the case, the husband is the one who knows his wife best. If he knows that the reason for her bad manners is something that he can remedy, then he should do that. If he cannot deal with her, then he should appoint someone else from among his family or hers to undertake this mission. Someone else may have a stronger influence over her than him.
You are also asked to supplicate Allah to amend her conditions and set right all her affairs and protect her from the insinuations of the cursed shaytan.
You are advised also to seek the help and counseling of a local imam or a scholar who could help you fix your family problems.