As parents, we all want the best for our children. We set expectations for them to excel academically, follow religious practices, and contribute to the household in meaningful ways. But what happens when one of your children, despite your efforts, falls short of these expectations? How should you approach a situation where a child’s behavior or academic performance doesn’t meet your standards, especially when it seems like a pattern of laziness or lack of effort?

This article explores how to manage situations like these with understanding and compassion while fostering positive growth in your child.

Understanding Your Child’s Struggles

Imagine you have four children, and one of them is struggling academically and behaviorally. You expect your children to pray five times a day, complete their chores, and excel in school, but one child has fallen behind, receiving a B+ in English while your other three children bring home perfect scores. This child, who previously excelled, seems lazy, and you’ve noticed signs of his lack of discipline—he doesn’t sit properly when studying and is unwilling to focus during his study hours. You feel frustrated and even ashamed, but you also recognize that something may be more complex at play.

As a parent, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by these challenges, especially when you feel that your child is testing your patience. However, it’s crucial to step back and assess the situation with a balanced perspective.

The Role of Love and Acceptance in Behavior

Children are highly attuned to their parents’ emotions and expectations. If a child feels that they are not meeting their parents’ expectations, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy or a lack of motivation. Your son may know that you are disappointed in his behavior and his grade, which can lead to him trying harder at first. But if he feels he’s not making progress, he might lose hope and start to withdraw emotionally or even appear manipulative in trying to gain your approval.

It’s important to remember that a child’s behavior is often a reflection of how they feel about their ability to succeed. If they feel loved and supported, they are more likely to thrive. On the other hand, if they feel constantly criticized or punished, they might shut down, which will affect their motivation and performance.

Expressing love doesn’t always need to be verbal—simple gestures like a smile, a gentle touch, or even listening to their concerns can show them that they are supported. Recognizing your child’s efforts, even small ones, is valuable in building their confidence and reinforcing positive behavior.

Assessing Intentions and Expectations

In Islam, intentions are highly valued and often take precedence over the deeds themselves. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Deeds are [a result] only of the intentions [of the actor], and an individual is [rewarded] only according to that which he intends” (Al-Bukhari). While you may feel frustrated with your son’s grade, it’s important to assume the best of his intentions unless there is clear evidence to the contrary.

Grading systems, especially in places where the language of instruction is different from the student’s first language, can be confusing and not always reflective of the child’s true abilities. As your son is adjusting to a new language and environment, it’s crucial to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is trying his best, even if his performance does not yet meet your expectations.

The Dangers of Extreme Discipline

While discipline is necessary for a child’s development, excessive or unrealistic expectations can be damaging. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught that moderation is key in all things. When a child is overwhelmed with strict rules and excessive demands, they may struggle to keep up emotionally and mentally. This could result in burnout, a lack of cooperation, and an overall decline in performance.

In your case, requiring your son to study for extended hours without considering his mental capacity or the importance of breaks may be counterproductive. Studies show that sleep, adequate rest, and a balanced schedule are essential for effective learning. Instead of increasing his workload, consider adjusting his study routine to be more manageable. Perhaps shorter, more focused study sessions with breaks in between would help him retain information better. Each child is different, and finding what works best for him will be more beneficial than enforcing rigid, one-size-fits-all expectations.

Strategies for Improving Behavior and Academic Performance

Here are some actionable steps to help address your child’s behavior and academic struggles:

  1. Show Love and Acceptance: Make sure your child knows that you love him regardless of his academic performance. Offer praise for his efforts, not just results, and encourage him by recognizing his attempts to improve.
  2. Set Realistic Expectations: Be mindful of the challenges your child may be facing, such as adjusting to a new language or environment. Set achievable goals and avoid overwhelming him with excessive duties or impossible expectations.
  3. Ensure Adequate Rest: Sleep plays a crucial role in a child’s cognitive development and emotional well-being. Set a reasonable bedtime and ensure he gets enough rest to function optimally during study hours.
  4. Provide Support and Guidance: If your child struggles with certain subjects, offer assistance in understanding the material or consider hiring a tutor. It’s essential that he grasps the concepts before moving forward.
  5. Encourage Balance: Make sure your child has time for physical activity, relaxation, and social interaction. A well-rounded life will help reduce stress and increase focus and motivation.
  6. Avoid Comparing to Siblings: Comparing your child to his siblings can create unnecessary tension and resentment. Instead, focus on his individual progress and improvement. His siblings can be valuable sources of support, but it’s essential to create an atmosphere of cooperation rather than competition.

Conclusion

Parenting is a delicate balance between guidance, discipline, and unconditional love. When addressing a child’s academic challenges or behavioral issues, it’s essential to approach the situation with patience, understanding, and moderation. Recognize the effort your child is putting in, set realistic expectations, and provide a supportive environment that encourages growth. By fostering a sense of acceptance, trust, and love, you will help your child develop the confidence and resilience to overcome challenges and achieve their fullest potential.