The challenge of parenting rebellious youth—particularly those who have reached the legal age of adulthood (18+)—is a severe test for Muslim families in the West. When a child engages in behavior that clearly violates Islamic principles, such as going to nightclubs or having boyfriends, parents are often torn between strict enforcement of rules and the fear of losing their child completely.
In such crisis situations, the primary goal shifts from enforcing perfection to maintaining a connection for the sake of future guidance.
The Principle of Perseverance
The first rule in dealing with a wayward child is to never give up. Parents are responsible for guiding their young, regardless of the child’s age or resistance.
Scholars point to the example of Prophet Nuh (Noah), who continued to call his son to the truth until the very end. Living in societies with negative influences is a tide that parents must swim against with patience (Sabr) and prayer. Expelling a child from the home, especially one who is legally an adult, often puts them entirely out of the reach of parental guidance and safety.
Introspection and Ground Rules
Before reacting to specific incidents, parents are advised to examine their own consistency. If rules are enforced arbitrarily based on anger, the message sent is that values are flexible or non-existent.
Parents should ask themselves:
- What is the ultimate goal for the child?
- Is the current approach bringing the child closer to that goal or driving them away?
- What is the meeting point between what the parent wants and what the child desires?
Finding this common ground is essential to understanding the root causes of the behavior.
Strategies of Communication
The Qur’an outlines a graded approach to guidance, which is applicable to parenting:
- Wisdom (Hikmah): Using persuasive, firm speech that is clear and free of doubt.
- Good Exhortation (Maw`izah Hasanah): Working on the heart through stories, narratives, and compassion to bring comfort rather than defensiveness.
- Constructive Argument: If a dispute arises, it must be conducted in the “best manner,” avoiding aggression while staying true to reality.
Harm Reduction: The “Containment” Approach
Regarding the specific dilemma of “boyfriends” and nightlife, some scholars suggest a controversial but pragmatic approach of harm reduction for crisis situations.
If the alternative is the child leaving home and engaging in sin secretly without any supervision, it may be the lesser of two evils to maintain contact.
- Supervised Visits: Allowing friends to visit the home—under strict limits (e.g., remaining in the open reception area)—allows parents to know who the child is with, rather than pushing them into the shadows.
- Protecting Siblings: To address the concern of influencing younger siblings, such visits can be scheduled when younger children are asleep or not present.
- Safety Precautions: Parents are advised to speak frankly about safety and medical precautions. While this does not imply approval of the behavior, it ensures the child’s physical well-being and keeps the door of communication open.
Ultimately, the strategy is to keep the child within the sphere of the family’s influence so that when they eventually wake from their state of heedlessness, the parents are still there to guide them.
