The virtue of controlling anger in Islam is a critical skill, particularly when visiting family members where stress and lack of sleep can lead to outbursts. A distressing situation may arise when a guest loses their temper with a young relative—perhaps a stepchild or non-Muslim family member—causing a scene that shocks the host and potentially misrepresents Islamic character to new converts.
When a believer acts irrationally due to exhaustion, yelling or slamming doors, the regret that follows is a sign of a living conscience. The challenge lies in how to fix the damage and ensure the behavior is not attributed to the religion.
Restraining Anger
Islam places a high value on emotional regulation. Allah describes the righteous in the Qur’an as those who master their emotions rather than letting their emotions master them.
Allah says:
“Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good.” (Quran 3:134, Saheeh International)
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) redefined the concept of strength, moving it from physical prowess to emotional discipline. He said:
“The strong man is not the one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is the one who controls himself in a fit of rage.” (Sahih Muslim 2609)
Repairing the Damage
If a person loses control, simply feeling guilty is not enough. Action is required to heal the rift, especially when children or new Muslims are involved.
- Apologize to the Child: It is essential to apologize directly to the child (and their friends if present). Respect is reciprocal. By offering a face-to-face apology, the adult models humility and teaches the child that everyone makes mistakes and must seek forgiveness.
- Clarifying for New Converts: If family members (like a sister-in-law) are new to Islam, they might mistakenly attribute the aggression to the religion itself. It is crucial to explain that the outburst was a personal failing caused by exhaustion, not a behavior sanctioned by Islam. Sharing the Prophet’s advice—”Do not become angry”—helps distinguish the beauty of the faith from the weakness of the believer.
Practical Amends
To leave on a “good note” and ensure the incident does not ruin the family relationship, scholars advise tangible gestures of goodwill:
- Gestures of Kindness: Taking the family out for dinner or arranging an outing can serve as a peace offering and help replace the bad memory with a good one.
- Maintaining Ties: After departing, the guest should continue to call and send gifts. This consistency proves that the relationship is valued beyond the single moment of conflict.
By making the intention to repair the bond and admitting fault, the believer turns a negative incident into a lesson in humility and resilience.
