Navigating Identity and Belonging: A Journey of Faith and Personal Growth
This may sound awkward, but please bear with me for it is a matter of identity, sense of belonging, and a sense of home. I've been living abroad in four different countries, sitched 6 different schools since the age of 6 months, due to my father's career as a diplomat. By the time my father retired, after I graduated from high-school, I chose to study in the country for which I hold a passport, in order to unite with my mother whom I see once every two years since I was 13. I thought this would bring great joy, because I would no longer be labeled as an orphan. But the reality turned out to be opposite: instead of living together as a family, my retired father said that we (my older brother, mother and myself) were not his actual family. So, he left us, living with his relatives back in his home town, which he regards as his actual home. I don't know how I came up with such ideas, but an upsurge with the feeling of abandonment, and isolation though I am now at the age of consent. Somehow, I am not attached to him as much as I am attached to my mother; but it pains me to see, and to know that the reason why my mom chose to separate us when we were living abraod is that my father didn't provide her with nafakah, expenditure , and thus could not bear to live in such misery, and destitute control, despite his high income. I always herad about this from when I was a kid, but I never knew that the truth would manifest itself after I returned. My mother works day and night, but at least I am grateful that I'm seeing her more often than before: once a week is better than twice a year, but she barely expresses motherly love in any form, for she lives in hatred of how our father cheated in her – sometimes I'm not quite [sure] if I even have a home like other kids. Besides my family upheaval, I'm confused over identity. You see, being a diplomats kid is really cool, and great experience is to be [had] in hopping from one culture to another. However, I never thought that such a past which has formed me the way I am today would make me feel so isolated and marginalized. My local friends are not as open to me as they are between themselves for they regard me as an "overseas" kid who barely knows their mother-tongue language, customs and values. I don't mind that, for one I understand myself, and that it would take me some time to merge with that, but [the way that they] treat me without even a sense of understanding can put me down sometimes. Sometimes, I can't even understand myself, and where I fit in. I try to relate to them as much as I can, but it is so hard to gain acceptance for we have nothing in common our backgrounds are different. My whole life has been about living in different countries every 3 -4 years, while they have never been abroad. I feel like I want to move again, but at the same time I want to stayput – not wanting to move anything, because it is too tiring – not tiring in the sense of of moving physically, but restless about making new relationships, saying goodbyes, making new relations, and saying goodby again. The cycle reapeats itself over and over, to the extent I wonder what my purpose of living here is with such a background as mine. I'm confused, lost isolated, and now abandoned. I try to fit, and now I don't know how to fit in anymore. I did try to make new friends in the local Muslim community so that I can learn Islam, but I am not connected and I am distant from them. I read this book entitled" "Third Culture Kid: The Experience of Growing Up", which really helped me to understand what happened to me, but it explains it from a Christian perspective. I know they're Muslims out there who have international background like me, but most of them that I know barely know what Islam is! They don't even mention prayers and they even eat pork. I'm so afraid that that I could end up to be a Muslim in name one day. Please help, and give advice in the light of Islam.
